Ed Without Plot
by BarthVader
Summary: After returning home, Ed is greeted in his room by a certain blonde girl wearing nothing but her underwear. Oh, and he doesn't want to have sex. A PWP subversion, rated M for minor sexual themes, attempts at low-brow humour and Ed/May ship tease.


**While the next part of The Regret Tetralogy is being polished, have some unrelated filler/quasi-sequel to "Mistaken For Ed".**

The door of a house somewhere in the suburbs were flung open. A seventeen-year-old boy cheerfully entered the building, dribbling a basketball, returning home after playing all day with his friends.

"Family, I'm back!" he shouted.

He closed the door behind himself, waiting for someone to respond, but no one did. The ball slipped from his hands and bounced down the corridor.

"Odd." He muttered.

The boy walked to the kitchen and spotted a piece of paper on the table. He snatched it and began reading.

_Dear Ed,_

_we went to Florida to visit your aunt. We know that you don't like her, so we've decided to leave you at home alone. You'll have enough food in the fridge, but if something happens, you can withdraw some cash from our bank account._

_Try not to level the house down, our insurance's already high._

_Love,_

_Mum and Dad._

The boy smiled. No parents and no Sarah meant having a house all for himself. Having a house all for himself meant watching his beloved B-movies all night long on the home cinema in the living room.

"Monster movies for Ed!" He gleefully sprinted towards his room in the basement.

He got to the stairs to the lower level of the house when he noticed some clothes lying on the basement floor. He picked up a worn-out gray T-shirt and red shorts.

After the events of the BPS, the relation between Eds and Kankers improved a bit. Edd and Marie went even on a date, though given how it went, he wasn't sure whether they were a couple or not. From time to time, the girls asked him to let them use his washing machine, so the sight of May's clothes on the floor wasn't that unusual for him, though he was surprised that there's only two items as opposed to an entire wagon.

"Oh well." The boy shrugged, tossed the clothes towards the dirty laundry basket. As he grabbed the doorknob, he heard some quiet music, but decided to disregard it, thinking that he left his personal TV on.

Right after he stepped into the room, the door closed behind him with a loud slam.

The boy turned around to notice a familiar sixteen-year-old girl with long blonde hair, wearing nothing but a lust bra and panties, locking the door behind herself.

"Hello, sweetheart..." she approached the boy and pulled him to herself by his collar. "I'm here to fulfil your wildest desires..." she said, quietly.

A huge grin appeared on Ed's face.

"French fries with gravy!" he shouted.

"No, silly." she smiled. "I want you to make me a woman."

"But you already are one, aren't you?" he asked, obliviously.

May rolled her eyes and sighed.

"The house is empty, and there's a half-naked girl in front of you. What is your first thought?" she asked, in a slightly annoyed tone.

Ed looked at her for a second, then turned around, unlocked the door and left the room. After a few seconds he returned with the girl's clothes.

"Here, it's kinda cold in here."

The girl facepalmed.

"I'm going to be direct:..." she leaned over and whispered exactly what she came for into Ed's ear. He looked at her, unsure.

"...how am I supposed to fit a rooster inside a cat?"

"With that level of sex ed, no wonder there's so many teen pregnancies..." May muttered. "I'll just explain that on the way. Hold still, it'll be fun." She knelt and tried to unbutton Ed's jeans, but the boy stepped away.

"Can you please stand up?" he asked.

The girl did so, a bit dumbfounded.

"Y'know, I tried to be subtle and play stupid, but it didn't work. May..." the boy paused for a second and clasped his hands. "...I just don't want to have sex."

The boy, despite his optimistic attitude, didn't expect the girl to take his objection into consideration. Knowing full well that he couldn't bring himself to hit a woman, he decided to close his eyes and wait for the inevitable.

_Ed gets raped in three, _he thought. _Two. One. Zero. _

_Minus one. Minus two. Minus three. Minus- hold on a second..._

Ed opened his eyes and noticed that the girl was staring at him, as if he grew a pair of extra limbs.

"Erm, could you please repeat that, slowly?" she asked.

The boy pointed at himself. "I..." He crossed his arms. "...don't want to..." He made a circle with a thumb and index finger of his left hand and put his right index finger in it. "...have sex."

May tilted her head slightly.

"Are y-"

"I'm not gay." Ed replied, out of reflex.

"Oh." the girl wasn't sure what to say about it. "So... a social disease?"

Ed opened his mouth slightly.

"What?"

"I mean, I'm not going to throw stones, and I can keep my mouth shut..."

"I'm clean!" the boy interrupted her. "I simply don't want to have sex with you."

"Oh, so you are gay after all?"

The boy facepalmed, groaning. After that, he grabbed the girl's breasts.

"I. Like. Girls." he spelled out. "I like whatever girls have that makes them girls. Like boobs, for example." He squeezed them a bit "Yours are quite nice, pretty much what a guy could expect from boobs. There's two of them, they're round, I like them."

May blushed, prompting Ed to let her go.

"But even if Miss America dropped through the window and offered me a suitcase of dollars for a quickie, I would say no. Now please, put your shirt on." he finished.

May tilted her head slightly.

"A non-gay, non-ill, non-horny male. They exist?"

"We don't breed in large numbers." Ed smiled. "Seriously though, it's... kind of a big deal."

"I know, I've seen it a few times."

"Not like that!" Ed protested "I wanted to say, I've never had sex before." the boy elaborated. "And you?"

"Me? Yeah, I'm doing it all the time." May boasted. "With lots of guys. And girls. Sometimes both. Sometimes at the same time."

Instead of answering, the boy gave her the blank stare. That was too big of a stretch, even for him.

The girl looked down. "All right, all right, I'm a virgin too. The whole set-up is ripped off of a porn flick I found on the web."

She pulled a piece of paper out of her shorts' pocket and put on a pair of reading glasses.

"Cheesy background music. Greet him in your underwear. Be direct, but don't hurry. Try stimulating him for a few minutes before proper sex. And use protection," she showed a condom, "'cause kids are loads of fun, with emphasis on 'loads'."

Ed stared at her for a second, surprised.

"...geez. I mean, if Eddy had put that much effort into our scams, we'd retire before thirty."

"I thought I'll look hotter if I'll seem more, ahem, experienced."

The boy raised a half of his unibrow.

"In which pa- paraler universe a woman with enough notches on her belt to make a hit indie game is considered hotter?"

May scratched her head. "Guys in our trailer park seem to like girls like that."

Ed sighed. "I don't. And, just outta curiosity, why did you came here? Judging by what you had said, you could get a similar result by standing in front of your trailer for five minutes."

The girl looked down. "I, well, it applies to my sisters too, but... I don't want to sleep around with some random guys. I wanted to sleep with you."

Ed tilted his head, unsure about how to respond to this.

"...why?" he asked after a long pause.

"Well, I think you're special." she replied.

An almost unnoticeable frown appeared on the boy's face. "Yeah, lots of people tell me that."

"Not retarded special, but special special."

She took a deep breath.

"You're good looking, for starters. Maybe you can't calculate the second derivative of a cosine x squared, neither can I, but it doesn't really matter, 'cos you're a good guy with an enormous heart, artistic talent and a wide imagination. You are so strong, yet so gentle, I mean, most people would bash my head with a rock after all this stuff I've done... What's not to like?"

Ed's cheeks were now in the color of May's underwear.

"...thank you, I guess."

May spread out her arms. "Can I get a non-erotic hug?"

"Yeah, sure, why not?" the boy replied. "But could you please put some clothes on? I'm pretty sure someone is going to walk on-"

The boy was interrupted by the door opening and Edd and Marie entering the room.

"Welcome again, friend. Could you please help us so-" the slim boy started, but his sentence was cut short after he looked at the couple in the room.

For the next few seconds, they were just looking at each other, unable to form a coherent sentence.

"...are we interrupting you two?" Marie asked after an awkward pause.

"No, not at all." her sister replied. "Ed just talked me out of having sex with him."

"Wait a moment." Edd said, raising his hands. "So, you wanted an intercourse..."

"Yes..." the blonde girl answered.

The boy faced his friend. "...but you didn't?"

"Yep."

The slim boy turned to the blue-haired girl.

"I think this proves I am not 'the only one', which means I won our wager. Twenty dollars please."

**This, like most of my fics, was born out of rage. Namely, at some point I saw a fic here on ff dot net that had a summary along the lines of "Edd and Kevin have sex, M for smut." Literally nothing else, not even an excuse plot. It had ca. 600 words and 18 favs. I didn't read it, but I got jealous that a short PWP has more favs than any of my stories, which, unlike gay porn, require some bloody effort.**

**I'm largely insensitive to rule thirty-four by now, but I really don't like smut for the sake of smut (just as I don't like shipping for the sake of shipping), with little to no context on why A and B are having sex ("they are dating, somehow" and "hormoens" don't count). If I'll want to arouse myself, I'll pop up a porn flick, and keep my favourite childhood cartoon out of it. **

**Also, I like coming up with reasons why the Kankers could find 'their' Ed attractive (and eventually vice versa). That way, it doesn't seem like the characters just let their genitalia do the thinking.**

**EDIT: As the reviewers pointed out, Ed and May seem too intelligent. My bad. Let's just handwave it with the fact that it's placed a few years after the events of the BPS and they both got a bit smarter.**

**And it's -2*cos(2x).**

**Now, have a little stinger. **

The quartet was sitting on Ed's couch, watching the updated re-release of „I Married a Psychopathic AI", starring John Patrick Lowrie and Ellen McLain. Ed was chewing on some French fries with gravy, May, dressed, was picking out single fries from his plate, Edd and Marie decided to share a bucket of popcorn.

"Just outta curiosity:" Marie spoke up, "have you guys ever watched a porn movie? I don't wanna details, just a boolean yes/no answer."

"Yesh, a few timesh." the tall boy replied with his mouth full. ""I have shome hidduh tapesh in my room."

"Alright." she turned to the other side. "And you, sweetheart?"

"Um..." the boy stammered a bit. "technically... yes and no."

Marie raised an eyebrow. "I know I promised to not ask for details, but I'm just curious about that Schrodinger-ish approach."

"So," the slim boy started, "I downloaded a movie like that once and started watching it. It was set in a classroom. Before... anything happened, I'd noticed an interesting problem written on the board in the background. Something related to complex numbers." The boy twiddled his thumbs. "I paused the film, pulled out a piece of paper and pen, and started solving it."

The remaining trio smiled.

"It... took me about ten minutes, but I managed to finish it. Content with myself, I raised my head to notice Eddy standing above me."

Marie snickered.

"He gazed at the screen, at the piece of paper, at the screen again, then at me. Then he left the room without saying a word."

Edd sighed.

"We didn't speak to each other for a few days afterwards."


End file.
